you need boundaries, they told me.
all the memes say it, and all the self-help gurus.
create your boundaries. grow them strong as fuck.
but how the actual fuck do you do that if you haven’t learnt how? someone can say it till they’re blue in the face, but if you don’t even know what a boundary is, if you’ve never been shown, how can you suddenly apply them affectively to your life?
and we get mixed messages. sometimes from the very people who have suggested that boundaries be created: if those very boundaries are implemented toward that person, you can be met with resistance, and that can be confusing.
i’ve never been officially diagnosed, but i’ve often wondered if i am somewhere on the spectrum in the autism / asperger’s / adhd worlds. trust is a confusing concept for me – that is, until recently, i trusted wholeheartedly from the get go. i fully believed that all human beings are inherently good, especially if they tell you so. i can pinpoint my salubrious unwavering trust of absolutely everyone from about the age of 4: those kids across the road who had the very same dinky bike as me, dad, look! (yes, it was actually mine and they’d stolen it from the front porch), and i trusted in everything: including feeding a blacksnake blackberries, absolutely certain it would never harm me.
that safe space of trust goes hand in hand with the need to say ‘no’ and to have that no taken serously. nobody told me that i’d feel bad – or *why* i’d feel bad – when i said no. people looked or sounded so sad and disappointed in me. they’d remind me of what i’d done for them, what they’d given me. what kind of friend was i? read my post “in the beginning” for an example of how that can be (and is often) inadvertantly conditioned into a young person.
and no one even seemed to listen to my no in any case. so what was i doing wrong? mainly, my problem was trying to people please, at the very least to tread lightly and not hurt feelings. maybe they’d even like me if i gave them everything and the kitchen sink of my soul.
and then i’d get resentful and push that out at the person who i’d let bamboozle my no.
so. what is a boundary? a boundary is an understanding of your inner workings, knowing that no is a full sentence without need for justification for the ‘why’ surrounding the no (whys can be countered with ‘fixing’ (coercion) by the person doing the yes-bamboozlement. your non-transactional ‘no’ is yours and mine to say, whenever we want.
a boundary is a combination of intuition/gut feeling, the inner compass that has us understanding right from wrong, keeps us true to our set of beliefs and integrity; it is gifting yourself time to think things over, it’s patience with self, it puts self before all others, and it does not hand away a no to concede to a yes against your own will for a perceived prize.
you – the person reading this – are the only prize. you are not being selfish; nothing, not even “love”, is worth losing your self, your dignity or your life.
and love, by the way (the real kind, that is) will never demand you break down your boundaries to make someone else happy. disney and a hell of a lot of pop songs have got a fucking lot to answer for.
boundaries come in all shapes and forms, they vary human to human, and ask that you use your voice if someone presses in on too close to yours. you need to know what they are to implement them. when you do that, you are weaponised and armed with self-love.
my awakening to the concept of boundaries came with my therapist asking me to ask myself this question, which can be applied to all aspects of life, in any situation:
what are you willing to accept?
that was the question that got me out of immediate danger, away from the narcissist. a lack of boundaries and not knowing what i was willing to accept, and mixed internal messages, scolastic events, conditioning vs observations (do what i say, not as i do), and societal expectations all juggled around in my psyche. how would i sift through all that?
it has taken time to grow those boundaries, and, like a second language, it has to be in continual use for it to stick.
how do i apply my sprouting boundary?
if something feels off i speak up, i don’t now ignore it and hope it will go away.
i also strip away. if anyone steps over my explicitly clear lines and then does not take accountability with any level of sincerity, i do not let them back into my life. once the trust has been compromised i know that i will always be waiting for it to happen again, and while i can remain civil, i won’t ever again give the soft underbelly just so someone can slice it when they’re feeling narky or frustrated with me because i’m not giving them something they want, be that my time, energy, forgiveness, or conceding to gaslighting.
a simple example from just the other day: recently the great manipulator stalked me here, in person. cyber harassment is incessant and shitful enough, but this time it was in person, in my town. that’s not a situation i would wish on anyone. i was very frightened and it meant i was holed up in a neighbours house for 6 days. i didn’t go outside once during that time, because he was still nearby. subsequently it meant i was behind on a week’s worth of work, and sadly it meant i’d missed a friend’s surprise birthday party in town, and i’d been really looking forward to that. however, i knew i could not risk attending as it was held in the same town, and i could not be sure the stalker wouldn’t make an appearance there and cause a scene with unpredictable behaviour. in any case, i was already feeling pretty shaky by the fact he’d just shown up in town, i would not have been able to relax. the friend who’d organised the party stated that she understood completely, and truly seemed to be on my side, that it was all ok.
the following week she and i were meant to spend time together for a few days. it was organised and i was packed to go – and she said since i hadn’t responded to her repeated invitations, she asked someone else, it must have been a misunderstanding (mine). when i said i certainly had responded yes to all occasions she had invited me, the friend presumed (didn’t ask) i was angry with her. i stated that i was disappointed, not angry. and then she did something that breaks through what i know unequivocally my boundaries are: she “reminded me” that i had missed the party.
she first tried to make out that i had misunderstood her invite, and then used my situation and her knowledge of it to try and subtly press the point so she would not be made accountable for the *misunderstanding*.
does that sound a little too familiar?
to summarise and highlight my boundaries in the above situation:
• intuition and self: i followed my gut instinct (stalker in town; not safe) and chose my self-protection over worrying about disappointing anyone else (not going to the party). my survival is paramount; my friend’s party, nor the abhorrent potential stalker scene is not.
• red flags: once you experience gaslighting, you can never unsee it ever again. perhaps my friend was drinking in that moment she decided i needed reminding that i hadn’t attended the party, and perhaps, despite the prior statement that she understood my situation, she was angry at the fact i was honest and said i was disappointed. that is deflection of how she was feeling back at me, not a reflection of me. i would disappoint a thousand times over if it meant i was safe and honest.
• voice: i stated how i was feeling, honestly. it was not ok with me, so i spoke up. i was disappointed because i so desperately needed a marine recharge after the shock of being stalked, and the whole year and a half before that. she had invited me, and being packed meant i expected to be going. so, yes, i was disappointed when she changed the plans. that is being honest with feelings.
• trust and what am i willing to accept: this is the hard work part (for me). do i accept an apology if it is sincere (which may never come, because, remember, it’s learned, not earned)? and if so, where, then, does my trust reside in this? to be perfectly honest, boundaries way up, the trust to be open and honest in the company of this friend now has been compromised by what she wrote with the singular intention to shift blame. honestly? that was not a slip of the finger on the keypad. it was done to “remind me”, and, no matter how subtly done, i can’t completely ignore that as it placed the insinuation of blame on the person who didn’t ask for the stalking.
i have to be accountable only to “what am i willing to accept?”
** a big update on this post. i believe there is a greater level of understanding and accountability now for the aforementioned example, mostly because the same stalker has since targeted my friend and her partner’s business. this is something major to take into account: our experiences vary. they’re unique. but when they co-incide – fortunately or unfortunately – there is often an aha moment that aligns the personality to the boundaries that were placed. these can also fortify an alliance, a tentative friendship. for those unwilling to grow, they’ll break that alliance, and that’s ok. in any case, the boundary has to come from within, and held. it cannot be externally validated, nor “broken” by any external force once it has been put in place. if broken, it is at the choice of the placer of said boundary to either reinstate it and move on, or to be walked over. the mantra for the day is this: choose, and choose again. what we feel are our feels to feel. we are our own captains.**
growing boundaries and holding those boundaries in place also means we’ve got to be accountable ourselves. we’ve got to own our own shit. it means you’ve got to be as willing to accept the boundaries of others as you would want them to accept your own – that’s paramount to the whole human interaction thang.
it’s all so fluid and requires constant work. by all means google “boundaries” for myriad examples of how to grow your own, but i can’t recommend enough seeking out a counsellor, psychologist, therapist, or coach to help you identify what yours are, and how to stick with them.
departure point 