in this blog post, i explain a little bit about triangulation and the role it plays in coercive and abusive relationships. you may have been familiar with its use as a bully tactic in high school by mean girls and boys, and by false confidantes, [such and such says this and that about you / you can tell me anything about them, i won’t tell], or within familial dynamics as a way to coerce anything from cleaning your room to getting you to do your homework [just wait till your father gets home!]. within the confines of a narcissistic / codependent relationship, triangulation is a tactic often used most in conjunction with flying monkeys, a tactic to leave you feeling ostracised, isolated, and crazy.
the article below i posted on facebook, an example not directly associated with my narcissist, but it underlines triangulation tactics, that I recognised them for what they were and applying what i’ve learnt from my lived experience so far.
after a year in which i’d shut myself off to the world – literally closing myself in my house, avoiding the piazza and all its intricate cultural oddities, complications and politics that i as a foreigner do not always understand – i shook myself off and got out there again, thanks to the support of those who really love me.
i continue to work to detach myself from the fallout from my situation and part of that process has been to be seen again, as myself, to find my voice, connect socially, and to learn to trust other humans again.
and then today i learned that i had been, unwittingly and by proxy, used in a tactic of marital triangulation, that is, put in place as a pawn by a friend and business client to make his de facto spouse jealous.
i didn’t instigate this, nor did i play a role in this, and i do not justify this behavior in any way. for him, it was nothing more than a way to convince her to end her vacation with their son and return to him (because he was alone). for everyone else – ie: we women involved – it was a decidedly premeditated, harmful and selfish act. i don’t appreciate when i’m triangulated and placed into a zero-sum game. my boundaries are made blatantly clear.
i am a freelance worker: i create websites, translate, teach english and i am an artist. this man’s immature behaviour robbed me of the potential of 2 or 3 months of income and broke the trust i had with his partner. more than anything else it hurt her.
and for those others who played a part in all of this, due to the transient titillation of gossip, they didn’t help.
these things are the things i am not: predator, seductress, scarlet woman. i am a human being who is simply trying to make ends meet in a crazy world, just like the rest of the human race. for those who really wish to hear my story rather than feed on the malice instigated by the gossip, this is the shortened truth of me:
i don’t want your man.
i don’t want anyone who is attached romantically to anyone else.
this may be surprising, perhaps, but I haven’t been with anyone in a romantic / intimate way for well over a year. after my narcissist experience, after what he did to me, being touched by anyone ever again feels very, very distant.
i want sincere, true friendship.
i want people I can connect intellectually and creatively with enough to be myself, and vice versa.
i don’t want to play zero-sum games.
i am frank and honest and open and i speak the same way with men and women, since i see all as being equal, and without ulterior motives.
this is the truth about me, ladies and gentlemen. anything else, just ask me. i don’t bite.
so, the backstory? what happened here?
we were hiking as a group: me, two female friends and my male client – who is also the client of my ex husband.
he decided it would be humorous to take photos of me and joke that he’d send them to my ex husband to make him jealous – notwithstanding the fact that my ex and i have a wonderful friendship and working relationship together, and we have never been jealous of one another, my client’s words dangled as a red flag, and i immediately said so to him.
later that evening, still with the same group and joined by others, my client announced with glee that his spouse, who had been vacationing by the sea with their son, was jealous, cutting her holiday short and coming home the following day. he’d never sent a photo to my ex; he’d sent it to her, and got precisely the result he was after.
i told him in front of everyone that what he did was an immature and mean thing to do, and then i pushed that from my mind.
understanding what he was doing, i approached her regarding the website that they had asked me to create for the business, and for the technical details that i had repeatedly asked her spouse to provide. she replied, very coldly, that she wasn’t interested in any website, and for me to never contact her husband again. i lost thousands of euro of work because of the stupidity of one man. and i lost the trust of this woman.
it’s a shame that she never actually thought to approach me to ask for my version – just presumed that i was flirting with her husband and cut me off – and that’s how these types of men continue to get away with this bullshit. even women play into patriarchy’s sticky web without even realising that it’s perfect cushioning for the male ego – just chuck another person under the bus and avoid accountabilty. i’ve since heard that i am not the first woman he’s done this to, and i doubt i’ll be the last. these types don’t change.
what i do know for certain is this: all that witch-burning and stone-throwing hasn’t at all disappeared from the world. it’s residue is still very apparent. had i been born in another time and place, as a woman, i – along with many, many of my contemporaries who refuse to cower below this coersion, who speak up, and out, and ask the hard questions – would have been, long ago either stoned to death or burnt at the stake – all based on others’ presumptions and fears.
departure point 